11 Relationship Truths
When I was in business school, we had a number of successful people come to speak to us and offer their words of wisdom. I was struck by how often these people mentioned choosing the right partner as the most important decision you can make in life and how much they stressed it as one of their biggest pieces of advice.
This month and this week in particular, have a heavy focus on relationships. And relationships of all kinds - family, romantic, platonic - have a profound impact on our lives. Our health, success, happiness, and opportunities are all impacted by our communities. The quality of our relationships truly determines the quality of our lives. Below I am sharing some of the most important things I have learned about relationships.
Just because you didn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it was a failure. We have a tendency to glorify the length of relationships, and while friendships or marriages of 50 years are certainly impressive, just because your relationship has ended, doesn’t mean it was a failure. As they say, some people are meant to be in your life for a chapter, some people are meant to be there for the entire story. And the length of the relationship does not determine the impact that someone can have on your life - everyone we encounter impacts and influences us in some way.
Another person is not responsible for your happiness. In spite of the fairy tales and stories of the magical one person who is going to solve all your problems, no one else is responsible for your happiness. That is way too much pressure to put on a relationship or another person (and a great way to create a codependent relationship). We are all imperfect beings and people will inevitably disappoint or anger you. By becoming responsible for your own happiness, you will be able to show up better in your relationships and have more control over your own life.
Sustaining relationships takes effort. The most successful relationships have a reciprocity to them and involve both people investing in the relationship. I get it, we are all very busy, but taking the time to show up, make the phone call, send the text, or grab coffee, goes a long way towards maintaining those precious friendships.
Most things are not about you. We are all the stars of our own stories and therefore we love to make everything about ourselves. Someone doesn’t text you back? Clearly they are mad at you and snubbing you. Your boss sent a curt email? Obviously you are getting fired. We spend a lot of time worrying about what others are thinking about us when frankly, people are usually not thinking about us at all. They are dealing with their own stuff and the stars of their own story.
You are not for everyone. Every person is not for you. Here is a hard truth for you - there are people out there who just don’t like you. And that’s okay. Do you like every single person you meet? Of course not. It doesn’t make them bad people, but it just means that they are not your people. Stop wasting energy on trying to get people who are not for you, to like you.
Trust your gut. When deciding who to spend time with and who to let into your life, don’t be afraid to trust your gut. Most of my best relationships have come with people who I was immediately drawn to. I met my best friend of 20 years on the first day of orientation when we became instant friends. Tune into your body and trust those initial gut feelings - they generally won’t steer you wrong.
Notice who shows up during the hard times. It is relatively easy to be a good friend or partner during the fun times, but notice who is there for you when things get hard. The people who will check in on you when they know you are going through a tough time, the ones you can call and just vent or cry to, the people who will go out of their way and show up without being asked. Those are the relationships and people to treasure. And tell them how grateful you are for them - none of us knows what the future holds, so tell those people in your life how much they mean to you.
Forgiveness is a gift… to yourself. When someone hurts us or does something wrong to us, we often want to punish them by holding a grudge. But that is usually just hurting ourselves and causes that hurt and anger to fester and linger. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things you can do and will set you free. However, forgiveness does not mean that you have to forget or let them back into your life.
Most things can be solved with a conversation. People are not mind readers. And most things can be solved with a conversation - confront your friend about that thing that pissed you off, tell the person how you feel, ask your partner for what you need. As we have previously covered, we are all so caught up in our own lives, we usually don’t recognize what someone is subtly trying to tell us. Don’t be afraid to go first and have tough and vulnerable conversations. It will go a long way towards ensuring that you have successful and open relationships.
Everyone is trying their best. You may not agree with this all the time, but I truly believe that most people are doing the best that they are capable of. They may not be showing up or acting how you want, but that is probably all that they are able to do at that particular moment. Everyone is dealing with things that no one else knows about and we could all stand to be a little more compassionate and understanding with others (although that definitely does not mean that you have to stick around while they try to figure their sh*t out).
The relationship you have with yourself is the most important. It is a cliche but it is true. The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. It is extremely difficult, if not downright impossible, to have healthy, successful relationships with other people if you do not have a positive relationship with yourself. So invest in your relationship with yourself - spend quiet time alone, take care of your body and mind, and do the things you need to do to nourish yourself.
